dee.

worked a 12hr day to come home and search for my dog online… look up transcript info for my law school apps… talk to my sister finally. 

then she says, mom’s mammogram came back with abnormal results so she has to go in for a follow-up ultrasound tomorrow. 

is this a joke? 

I mean it could totally be fine but it could also be totally NOT fine. 

I would pray but I feel like I’ve been shouting up prayers for weeks now and He must be sick of me asking… 

God please help us find Louis safe and sound. 

God please let me get a good score on the LSAT… God please let the schools I want, want me and give me application fee waivers :)

God please let me catch up on tasks at work, feeling like I’m falling behind…

God please give my boyfriend strength to grieve the loss of his grandmother. 

God please give me the strength to be away from my family at Thanksgiving.

God please help me make a good impression on my boyfriend’s family; it’s their first time meeting me. 

God please help me stay focused on the person I care most about. Don’t tempt me with the easy way out, being selfish and moving on. 

God please give me the strength to grieve Jena and the understanding I’ll need to process the fact that at only 26 she is gone. 

Also, give me the strength to attend her memorial service on my birthday. The little kid in me still says that birthdays should be happy. 

God please… 

Jena.

Doreen….

If I focus on the opposite, life and living I realize that there too I find many challenges. 

First of all, when the hell did I transition into the stage of adulthood in which you attend funerals on your birthday? I mean really… It might not be a stage but definitely a difficult season then. I’m not mature enough for that, I wasn’t emotionally prepared. I’m still in denial and its been a month!

Life. 

I find myself in the most loving and committed relationship I’ve ever been in and yet, I’m still afraid of it?

I’m about to start applying for law schools (some out-of-state) and I’m having a hard time just being away from my family for Thanksgiving. Who am I kidding trying to live out-of-state altogether?!

In all of the challenges and questions I’ve faced lately, I’ve learned one thing: life keeps going. 

Ready or not, whether you’ve processed it yet, whether you can face it yet, life will happen. It’ll carry on without you if need be and no matter what, there is always a new day. 

In a time where I feel lost a lot of the time, often struggling to figure who I am supposed to be at this stage in my life I’m finding a lot of comfort in knowing that life won’t pause for me. I may as well be ready and continue to adapt because we’ll be moving on anyway. 

I miss my friend and its been a tough year. Experiencing things like this has naturally put my own life into perspective and I have to say its the most challenging thing in the world. Even if for a day or two I thought entirely that I am living my life the way I should be, who’s to say that I’m not totally wrong anyway? Everyone says that you should do what you feel is good for you, what makes you happy etc… no one ever says how to determine what those things are. 

Needless to say, its been a rough few months. Still learning here and I’m sure I still will be come a new season or two. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and the best answer for where home is exactly is in my heart. It isn’t my physical house or even with some of the people I feel most comfortable with. It travels with the one I love, wherever he may go. 

Now I’m aware this sounds crazy coming from a commitment-phobic, relationship-challenged person that I am but its the truth. I find myself in the most raw, open and honest relationship I’ve ever been in and it seems that along with it comes the understanding of all cliches. I finally understand the people who say they “just knew”. I finally can relate to the ones that say “you’ll only find it when you’re not looking”… “love isn’t logical”… you get the idea. 

I happen to be in love with the most unlikely of guys. He is so different from anyone I’ve ever met that its actually scary to me how I can feel this way & have it be reciprocated. 

This is the stuff of fairy tales, strictly reserved for the plot of Disney movies. Definitely not something cynical me would ever stumble into… 

I’m completely vulnerable and it would be a long way down should this fail but I’ve made the leap. I want to keep making it every day to be honest. Like forever… it feels like something out of a romance novel but it isn’t, it’s just us. 

I guess all I can say to all the other realists, cynics and non-believers is yes, it may seem far-fetched but if you ever feel like this could be the ‘one’ or you find yourself with someone who literally makes your world fade out of focus… pay attention and run with it. Gambling with that kind of feeling could be the best payoff you ever have in your entire life. Hold onto that person and embrace your home when you find it in someone else’s heart. It is the most insane feeling but its also the greatest one.